I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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