she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
