that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My liver just had a heart attack.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
