So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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