someone threw a dead crab at me
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
