I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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