he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Couch. On fire.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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