The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
