Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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