I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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