I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
