I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
