In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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