If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
