i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
