Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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