I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
