If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
