He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
