when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
