i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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