I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You've changed since you got that strap on
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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