So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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