This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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