GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize
