I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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