i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I want her autograph on my taint
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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