Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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