if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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