i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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