i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
