When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
