Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
