I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
