By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
