I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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