Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
there is glitter all over my balls
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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