i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
