you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
