Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
