I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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