A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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