you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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