ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
