i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
