I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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