Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
