I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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