Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
