you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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