i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
