"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
