I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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