Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
