I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
