don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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